How people pleasing got me everywhere and nowhere

Hi, my name is Ruth and I’m a recovering people pleaser. Whew, typing that makes me proud. Not because I was a serial people pleaser, but because I’ve acknowledged it and I’m steadily working on not going back to that place. 

According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, a people pleaser is defined as “a person who has an emotional need to please others often at the expense of his or her own needs or desires”. And this definition is exactly what I experienced. I don’t know when it started, but I think I know why I became a people pleaser. See, I’m a lover of peace. I want to be surrounded by peace at all times, and also at all costs. This includes the cost of people pleasing. I can’t stand it when I make someone feel like I’ve disappointed them, so what do I do? I do what they ask of me, oftentimes at my own expense. I wanted to belong, be accepted, and not miss out on a thing (FOMO is a real thing). Basically, I wanted to be involved in whatever people were doing so they were happy, they would like me, and they would consider me when sending out invitations. 

People pleasing got me everywhere, in the sense that when you say yes to anything and everyone, a lot of doors will open for you. For years I’ve helped my loved ones with their ideas, their events, their businesses, you name it. Whenever they needed help, they knew whom to call on, because I’d be right there, ready to say yes. I’d say yes because I thought NO would mean disappointing them and possibly putting a strain on our relationship, which would eventually lead to conflict. Peace and conflict don’t go together, so I chose ‘peace’ in the form of people pleasing. At some point I found myself working 40 hours a week, tutoring seven kids after work in that same week, and in the weekends fulfilling tasks in church and church-related programs. All of this, only to get barely any satisfaction from what I was doing. But hey, the people I was helping were pleased, so I was doing something good, right? Hmm… not quite.

People pleasing got me nowhere, in the sense that as much as I was exposed to many people and things, I wasn’t necessarily exposed to things that mattered to me or would benefit me. I was ignoring my own needs. I had an awakening one day at the beginning of 2020 when I looked back at the last five years of my life. What I realized was that from 2015-2020 I had been there for others and helped them to progress, but when I looked at my own life I was still very much in the same place. I had kept myself busy, but not productive. Now this is not to say that others weren’t there for me. I believe they would have been if I was actually doing anything that needed help. But I wasn’t. I was literally spending my time on their activities and not coming up with anything for myself. 

In the end, people pleasing did not bring any peace. How ironic. If anything, it brought conflict, pressure, and unnecessary headache. The outer peace I thought I’d get from my surroundings turned into inner chaos.

If you’re also a (recovering) people pleaser, please don’t read this post as “forget the needs of the people around you and focus only on yourself”, but rather be honest with yourself and your reason for wanting to help others. If you’re not doing it because you genuinely want to help, but you’re seeking approval, then reconsider. Also keep in mind that you have a life that requires attention as well.

Funny enough, the peace I sought after in people pleasing was found in me being intentional about my time and what I spent it on. I’m now making sure I’ve got something going on for myself, and when I do have time and I’m truly willing, then I’ll help others with what they’ve got going on. Making this change hasn’t been easy, because I’m not as available as I used to be and people might feel some way about it. It’s not you, it’s me. I still want to see you happy and succeeding, but not at the expense of my own endeavours.

These were the confessions of a recovering people pleaser.